


I am telling you now (why we loved)

by selflessbellamy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clarke's letter to Abby, F/M, Post-Season/Series 02, emotinal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selflessbellamy/pseuds/selflessbellamy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mom,</p><p>I understand that finding Bellamy Blake in my bed must’ve been a shock to you, if not also a mystery -Because really, it was written all over your face. <br/>I am writing this to let you know why. Mostly, so that you won’t kill him, or perhaps something even worse like never letting me speak to him again. </p><p>---</p><p>In an emotional letter to her mother, Clarke tells the story of her and Bellamy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am telling you now (why we loved)

_Mom,_

_I understand that finding Bellamy Blake in my bed must’ve been a shock to you, if not also a mystery -Because really, it was written all over your face._

_I am writing this to let you know why. Mostly, so that you won’t kill him, or perhaps something even worse like never letting me speak to him again._

_A letter? I am writing a letter merely due to one fact; that I’m not ready to talk about it, about what happened and about him and me: Bellamy and I have always been complicated, two people who often seemed to clash whenever we had the chance, since the distance between us was too big for us to have an understanding for one another - Well, that was simply the first few weeks down here._

_He was an idiot - to say the least - arrogant, violent and rebellious - Basically, everything I was not…_

_We learned to work together; that being said it probably wouldn’t have happened if we weren’t forced to at some point, and it did end up creating more chaos in the end - Mom, we were - as you and Jaha say so often that it makes me sick - kids: stupid, impulsive delinquents, who could taste final freedom right on the tip of our tongues._

_But it wasn’t all that easy: every day, people died in front of us. And I felt horrible and guilty because I was  supposed to be in charge, I was supposed to be a leader, and Bellamy too, but the amount of responsibility can get overwhelming, gut-crushing (believe it or not). My partnership with the jerkface Bellamy Blake still didn’t go very well._

_Yet a night changed it all… (And no it’s not as you think. What you saw yesterday was… How do I put this? Never mind, it was our first time. Done)_

_Shumway had sent Dax to kill Bellamy, giving him the offer of being the first person down here to see their mother. However, the truth was, that day Bellamy had agreed to go on a day trip with me to find supplies for winter, only so that it could give him an opportunity to run away, scared for his life. Everything that guy’s done… It was tearing him apart inside, and I couldn’t see it._

_In an old bunker, he taught me how to use a gun and upon me finding out the truth we fought: of course, as you might expect, he ran away, thinking that I was going to leave him alone. Spoiler alert… I didn’t._

_To make a long story a little bit shorter, we saved each other’s lives that night, from Dax. He protected me with his own life, and first later I came to realize what that meant. Bellamy protected us, killing him… Believe me, he hated himself for it, pouring his heart out to me afterwards: “All I do is hurt people. I’m a monster.”_

_Like I said before, that event seemed to turn everything in our partnership around. Suddenly, he was the one in whom I trusted the most. We grew, and we grew together - side by side. In the matter of a short time he became my best friend._

_I love him. I love him so much that my heart aches whenever I think of him, but I’m afraid that I’ve grown too attached, the constant fear of his death being the only thing keeping me up at night._

_Do you remember it as clearly as me? That I told him to leave? Do you remember how desperate I was, almost frantic, not being able to control myself enough, bending at last to scream at him? Oh god, Mom, see that’s the thing: I can’t love him; cannot allow such a selfish act on my part. I am a leader. I need to think of my people._

_Bellamy and I, we caved. We loved. And nothing will ever be the same, since now every time I look at him, there’s nothing except the bolt feeling of his lips on mine, no matter what I do, I can’t shake him off._

_Why do we always fall in love with the ones we can’t have? Please tell me._

 

 

_\- Clarke._

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea in my head for weeks - just didn't know how to properly tell it. In the end, I came up with this. Hope you liked it!


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